Resilience Isn’t Rare. It’s Just Badly Marketed. (And You’ve Been Doing It Wrong)

Let’s be honest: if resilience were a person, it would be that quiet neighbor who fixes their own sink at 2am, never posts about it, and still shows up to work at 8.

Meanwhile on LinkedIn, resilience is usually portrayed as a mythical creature—half lion, half monk, fully unbothered.

George Bonanno (Columbia professor, author of The End of Trauma) has a message that will offend your inner drama queen—in the best way:

Resilience isn’t rare. It’s actually the most common human response to adversity.

Yes, you read that correctly. The “strong people” aren’t a separate species. They just have a skill most of us were never taught.

And that skill has a name: adaptive flexibility.

Now here’s the twist: it’s not about “being tough.” It’s not about “thinking positive.” It’s not even about “time healing all wounds.”

It’s about something far more practical.

It’s about being able to switch gears when life changes the road.

The resilience scam we all fall for

Many of us treat resilience like a VIP lounge:

• You either have the wristband or you don’t.

• You’re either “built different” or you’re “not strong enough.”

• If you’re struggling, you must be doing life incorrectly.

This is how people end up suffering twice:

1. The actual adversity

2. The shame of believing you’re failing at adversity

Bonanno basically walks in, takes the mic, and says:

“Relax. Most humans bounce back. You’re not defective. You’re just stuck in one gear.”

And then he introduces a mindset that feels like upgrading your operating system.

The Flexibility Mindset: 3 beliefs that stop your brain from turning everything into a funeral

Bonanno says resilient people tend to carry three beliefs—not as slogans on mugs, but as default settings.

1) Optimism (not the Instagram version)

This isn’t “Everything is amazing!” optimism.

It’s the stubborn, grounded one:

“Somehow, eventually, things will be okay.”

Not today. Maybe not next week. But this is not the end of the story.

2) Confidence of coping

This is the internal voice that says:

“I can handle this.”

Not perfectly. Not gracefully. Possibly while crying and eating biscuits.

But you can.

3) Challenge orientation

This is where your brain stops saying, “We are doomed,” and starts saying:

“Okay. What are we doing about this?”

Threat becomes task. Panic becomes movement.

And once you have these three beliefs, you don’t become Superman.

You become something better: functional.

Now… here’s where it gets interesting.

Because Bonanno doesn’t stop at mindset. He gives a sequence—like an actual method.

And it’s so simple you might get annoyed.

The Flexibility Sequence: the 3-step loop that separates “stuck” from “moving”

Bonanno’s flexibility sequence is basically what your wise aunt does automatically—except now it’s written down.

Step 1: Context sensitivity — “What is the problem right now?”

This step is underrated because most of us don’t suffer from problems…

We suffer from the entire extended family of the problem.

Example: You get one stressful email and your brain immediately applies for citizenship in Catastrophe Country.

• “If I mess this up, I’ll lose my job.”

• “If I lose my job, I’ll lose my house.”

• “If I lose my house, I’ll move to the village.”

• “If I move to the village, my high school teacher will see me.”

• “If my high school teacher sees me, it’s over.”

Bonanno says: stop. Zoom in.

What is the immediate, specific problem today? Not your whole life. Not 2037. Not the village.

Just: what’s on fire right now?

Cliffhanger: most people never do this step… and that’s why the next step fails.

Step 2: Repertoire — “What tool fits this situation?”

Resilient people aren’t “stronger.” They have more options.

They have a toolbox.

And here’s the part that will free you:

There is no universal “best coping strategy.”

Sometimes you need to talk. Sometimes you need to plan. Sometimes you need to sleep. Sometimes you need to take a walk like a confused philosopher. Sometimes you need prayer. Sometimes you need humor. Sometimes you need distraction.

Yes, distraction.

Because Bonanno calls out what he labels the “fallacy of uniform efficacy.” That fancy phrase means:

Stop assuming one coping style is always good and another is always bad.

Which brings us to the most controversial concept in the whole talk…

Step 3: Feedback — “Is this working? If not, switch.”

This is where resilience becomes less of a personality trait and more like… engineering.

You try a strategy. You watch results. If it’s not helping, you adjust.

You don’t keep forcing a coping method because you read somewhere that “journaling heals.”

If journaling is making you spiral, stop journaling. If your “deep processing” is turning into deep suffering, pause it. If your “strong faith” is turning into spiritual guilt, recalibrate.

Resilient people aren’t loyal to strategies.

They’re loyal to outcomes.

“Coping ugly”: the thing nobody admits on social media

Bonanno introduces a concept that deserves its own TED Talk: coping ugly.

Translation: sometimes coping doesn’t look inspiring.

Sometimes coping looks like:

• refusing to think about something for one day so you can survive the day

• laughing at something that shouldn’t be funny

• watching a silly show because you cannot process reality right now

• keeping it together in public and breaking down later

Is that “unhealthy”?

Not automatically.

It may be adaptive in that context.

The question isn’t: Is this strategy morally good? The question is: Is it helping me function, and what is it costing me?

Now hold that thought, because this is where people get it wrong:

They think time will do the work.

“Time heals all wounds” is not a plan. It’s an excuse with a nice accent.

Bonanno’s point is sharp:

Time can help—yes.

But time is not your therapist. Time is not your strategy. Time is not your plan.

Waiting without action can turn a temporary struggle into a permanent pattern.

Healing often needs time… and movement.

The underrated superpower: positive self-talk (done properly)

When people hear “positive self-talk,” they imagine fake hype.

Bonanno means something far more useful:

Self-talk that restores flexibility.

Try these:

• “This is hard, but I’ve handled hard things before.”

• “What’s the next small step?”

• “I can adjust if this doesn’t work.”

• “I don’t have to solve everything today.”

This is not denial.

This is your brain’s steering wheel.

The 60-second Flexibility Check (save this)

When life hits, do this:

1) Context: What is the immediate problem right now? 2) Repertoire: What are 2–3 coping options I can try today? 3) Feedback: After trying one, is it working? If not, what will I change?

That’s it.

And if you do this consistently, you start to notice something surprising:

You don’t feel “invincible.” You feel capable.

Final cliffhanger: You’re probably more resilient than you think

If you’re reading this and thinking, “But I’m not resilient—I’m struggling…”

That may not be evidence of weakness.

It may be evidence that you’re mid-process.

And here’s the idea I want to leave you with:

Resilience isn’t a badge. It’s a loop. A loop you can practice. A loop you can improve. A loop you can teach your children.

In the next piece, I want to go further:

• Why some people stay stuck in one coping style for years

• How to build a coping “toolbox” that actually matches your personality

• And how to tell the difference between coping ugly that helps… and coping ugly that harms

Because yes—there is a line.

And most people only realize they crossed it when life forces them to stop.

If you want that follow-up, comment “TOOLBOX” and I’ll write it.

About the Author

Dr. Julius Kirimi Sindi is a global expert in research funding, policy impact, and donor relations. With extensive experience in analyzing philanthropy, business, and science funding, Dr. Sindi fosters sustainable and inclusive research ecosystems. He has facilitated international business relationships across Africa, Europe, and Asia. His upcoming book, "The Blueprint of Life Well Lived," explores successful strategies for navigating complex business environments while achieving sustainable growth. He is the author of an upcoming book "How Societies Change and Why Most Reforms Fail," which introduces an African Theory of Scaling rooted in emotional truth, political safety, and system coherence. I hope to publish "CHANGING THE BATTERIES - How to Renew Purpose, Growth, and Connection When Your Light Grows Dim" as soon as possible. He is also the creator of The Daily Pulse, a widely read LinkedIn newsletter offering sharp, human-centered analysis of policy, politics, and development.